knowing what you want?Have you every really thought about what you want? Some people know exactly. For others, the question is almost meaningless: They are adventurers who are so open that they hardly have any sexual preferences at all.

Today do fellatio. Tomorrow play with vibrators. Next week skip the sex and cuddle instead. If you’re one of these easygoing lovers, nearly everything is great sex. But for some of us, sex is hit-and-miss and we’re not sure what we want.

Some sex acts are much less physically arousing or don’t feel good at all. Each of us has a unique body that responds to sensation in an individual way.

That most couples enjoy missionary position intercourse is completely irrelevant if it makes you feel like your cervix is being pummeled or if the bend in your penis makes it impossibly uncomfortable.

Psychological factors also drive our sexual desires. Who can explain why wearing a Catwoman costume during sex makes you horny but having your breasts stroked bores you? It just does…

Most of us have fantasies and sexual experiences that turn us on and others that leave us cold. With the help of a psychologist, you could probably develop an analysis: Patient exhibits a strong preference for cunnilingus reflecting his need to recreate the mother-child bond. Oral fixation is also indicative of a traumatic separation from his mother during weaning. But who cares! Psychobabble Won’t enhance your sex life.

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For those of you who need help discovering your own sexual wants, here are some things to think about.

• Think back on an unsatisfying sexual experience. Why wasn’t it pleasurable? If you had sex with a woman you didn’t really like, you’ve probably already learned not to do that again. If you liked her, but something was wrong with the sex, this is a clue. What was wrong? If her idea of good sex was an hour of hugging plus five minutes of intercourse and you felt cheated, maybe it means that you savor the sex act and want to give it plenty of time.

• Explore your fantasies. Since you create these stories by yourself, they can tell you what you really want. What are the common themes? Are you always the seducer of a lover who just can’t resist you? That tells you about a very important aspect of your sexuality: You need to feel desired. But remember, it’s common to fantasize scenarios you would never actually want to experience. You don’t really want to have sex while hanging upside down from the Eiffel Tower, do you?

• Read erotica. You didn’t create these stories, but some of them will sound good and some won’t. If you love smut where the woman controls the man’s body, you might want to play a more receptive role in bed.

• Consider the prerequisites for great sex. Maybe you just have to bite his earlobes or it isn’t any fun. This could mean that you enjoy expressing your playful and aggressive side.

• Talk to ex or current partners. Even if you feel confused about what you want, it may be perfectly clear to someone you’ve had sex with. Sometimes we broadcast what we want, without grasping it consciously.

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