Best friend got an annoying girlfriend? Dudeman shares with you five easy ways to get her out of the picture.
If you’re like me, you have friends (you may insert the singular version of the word friends if needed, but then you wouldn’t be like me).
And these friends often times have a girlfriend. Have you ever looked at your friend as he stands with his girlfriend… happy… content… in love… and just wanted to ignite her hair with some kind of gasoline/methane mixture?
Maybe you take more of a painful approach and want to drop an anvil on her fat face…or even tie her beautiful auburn hair to the rusty trailer hitch on the back of your car, and proceed to drag her (face down) several miles (or at least until you get pulled over).
Why do you feel this way about her? Is it because she refuses to let your friend go down to the bars with you?
Is it because she is whining nonstop about things such as “promises” you made, or something else of no relevance to anything in life… like the fact that she’s “hungry”, “dying of heat exhaustion”, or “brain-dead”?
Maybe it’s because she’s constantly saying things behind your back like “he’s such a jerk”, “I hate him”, and the ever-so-popular “I don’t want you hanging out with him anymore and I’m not having sex with you until you stop”.
I’ve been in this situation many times, but never really come to a good resolution. Telling your friend “Your girlfriend is a bitch” or “I seriously almost punched her directly in her horse-face when she looked at me” doesn’t always work. In fact, it never works.
Not understanding what else to do, I turned to God (not the dude in heaven, but the one downtown with a black trenchcoat and all black makeup that calls himself “God”). He told me that the reason he is so f’d up is because his father molested him.
I figure that was probably because his dad married the bitch that all his friends told him not to marry, and that it is basically all her fault. I could see my world crumbling around me as my friends started to consider long term obligations to women that were at best, utterly useless.
So what I’ve done here is make a list of things that you can do to stop your friends from staying with the bitches that tend to “break up the band” like a 21st century Yoko Ono. Apply it to any woman you feel needs to be relieved of her duties as girlfriend, wife, or the “completely capable of walking on her own” status.
1. When you say you’re mad enough to hit her….hit her. Women are like children. Don’t baulk with them, because they will see right through you. If your friend’s girl is pissing you off and you say “I’m going to punch you if you keep talking”, then you are obligated to punch her, hard. This will be the beginning of a huge conflict between you and the boyfriend, and if he has an ounce of intelligence, he will realize that you warned her to stop talking and she didn’t. He will realize it was all her fault, or your money back (you didn’t give me any money yet, so screw you)…
2. Drive your car off a bridge, with her in it. Be friendly and set up a time to pick up your friend and his monster of a girlfriend up from the club after they’ve had a few Sminoff Raspberry drinks (she convinced him that she liked him better without “beer” breath, so now he’s drinking wine coolers). If your friend is tough, he’ll be able to withstand the crash, and she will be rendered (more) useless.
3. Meet her parents, tell them your friend sleeps with young boys in his bed. He’ll only be mad for a short while after the break-up. Then he’ll realize that he has much more time to spend on real life events. Drinking, socializing with people other than his girlfriend, and playing XBox.
4. Steal the secret videos your friend and his girlfriend made together and put them on the internet. But don’t just put them on the internet anywhere. Create a website named after your friend (http://www.firstname-lastname.com/). She’ll think it was him. Simple. Effective. Creative. Devastating.
5. Piss on her in her sleep, and blame it on your friend. A simple “Gary told me to do it!” works just fine. She won’t know who to believe as long as Gary is wasted that night. She’ll look at him, he’ll smile like the goofy bastard he is, and that will be the end of a once beautiful relationship gone retarded.
You’re now well on your way to doing your friend a favor. A favor only someone like you would be willing to take on. Take pride in the simple fact that you’re doing what is best for your good friend. Someday, when all the cuts, bruises, and child molesting slander die down, he’ll thank you.