Head-butting is a much forgotten art. There’s a reason for this: it kills brain cells faster than George W Bush makes a fool of himself. So anyone who has mastered the art is unfortunately unable to remember how they did it, or indeed that head-butting is an art. Luckily, despite being novices, The Toasted Marshmallows have put their heads together to bring you this useful primer.

Head-Butting for Pleasure

Head-butting can be an awful lot of fun, or just awful. It depends on how you do it. For example, head-butting the school bully into submission before dropping your pants and peeing on his face to re-pay the years of humiliation and unhappiness he caused you and countless others is an awful lot of fun. On the other hand, head-butting the school bully until you are unconscious before he drops his pants and pees on your face is just awful.

What you need to do is choose a good target. Aunties are good targets. Super heroes are not. Until DC Comics brings out Mr. Glasshead – He Shatters On Impact!, stay well clear of superheroes and – to be really safe – their aunties.

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In the interests of family harmony, we do not recommend you choose your own granny. Having found a likely granny, don’t just let fly with your face. Head-butting can be quite painful if you do it the wrong way. The wrong way is to flail about aimlessly with your face. The right way is to use the flat part of your forehead and smash it very hard against the soft, squishy bit of your target’s skull.

When you hear a sickening, crushing sound, stop. Feel your forehead with your right hand. If it’s smashed and soft and squishy, go very quickly to hospital to get a metal plate put in. If it’s ok, give your victim a good sharp head stomp, then call them an ambulance and run away.

Head Butting For Profit

Until head-butting becomes an Olympic sport, its practitioners are unlikely to make terribly much money out of it. Head-butters do have one thing over sports people though. The ability to extort huge amounts of money from the heads of large corporations. Heads of large corporations are notoriously precious about having the living daylights smashed out of their skulls, and will quickly give a good head-butter all the money under their control.

One friend of ours gained control of the Mediacorp for an entire day by head-butting Mr Ho Kwon Ping. Unfortunately, the change in programming was spotted, and our friend had to spend some time in jail, but hey, being thwacked on the noggin isn’t easy, and neither’s owning Mediacorp.

The best way to get better at head-butting is to practice. Start with something soft, like a nerf ball. When your better, head-butt the dog for a while. Never, ever head-butt a hot iron, or a long metal spike.

Which really wraps it up for head-butting. Good luck and have some fun. And to the person who smashed Joe’s passenger window and stole all his stuff, and also the person who did the same thing to Bob’s car, please, please, please leave mine alone.

Illustration: Lee Cox

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