Sex is a good thing. I don’t think I’m taking a controversial editorial stance in making that statement, and yet there seems to be so little of it about.
Of course, maybe the arid wasteland of my own sexual experience is pathetically subnormal, but in light of the alarming decrease in the birthrate and the general mating habits of those members of my species which I have personally observed (aside from the occasional sexual tourist who visits vaginas as others visit monuments, to see as many as they can and tell others they’ve been there) there does appear to be a shortage of supply.
Given the renewable nature of the resource and the abundantly evident demand, this is difficult to understand.
As the late Rodney King said, "Why can’t we all just get along?" (You who counter: "A long what?" I will ignore.) Hence, it is in our continuing roles as Social Conscience to the Nation and Ambassadors of Love that we offer the following list of successful and unsuccessful conjugal attempts.
WARNING: This information is for educational purposes only. We take no responsibility for any physical damage incurred by its use.
– "I’ve got a nice big lollypop for you back at my house." (Hey, it worked for Roman Polanski.)
– "Blood’s thicker than water – and you ain’t old enough to get pregnant, neither." (This line got a virgin bride for Jerry Lee Lewis, after he’d scared off everyone but his pubescent relatives.)
– "Can you come here and get this for me? I’m on the phone." (It helps if you’re an American President, but you never know.)
– "Hello, Mr. Hand, how are you today?" (This brought temporary relief to Pee-Wee, but did little for his career as children’s entertainer. Zip…Now you see it, now you don’t.)
– "Hey, Boys and Girls, let’s all be like Pee-Wee." (Wanking is about all that former U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders has been doing, career-wise, since she recommended this solo hobby for the health of American youth.)
– "No, it’s alright, I really am a doctor."
– "You much nicer than Cheetah. Less hairy. You me go back to tree house and do slap-slap dance." (Hey, it worked for Tarzan.)
– "Welcome to Cell Block "H", Terence."
– "You’re much less hairy than Bubbles. I’ve got Disneyland in my backyard; want to come back there for a ride?" (Michael Jackson at the local Primary School.)
– "Unh, unh…need it bad…" ( It worked for Nicholas Cage with Elisabeth Shue in "Leaving Las Vegas." The prerequisite is being a near dead, incoherent, slobbering drunk, which some women find irresistible.)
– "Let me insert my love hose and fill you with my juices." ( Usual response: "SECURITY!" )
– "I’ll be the boy dog and you can be my bitch."
– "Let’s make hot, monkey love."
– "I’ve got a special soundproof room, just for sex."
– Any sentence containing the word "cunt".
– "I’m a male prostitute and you’ve just won a free promotional boink."
– "You enchant me. Let us repair to my bed chamber, where we shall dispense with these social niceties and make mad, passionate woofling noises and play with our dirty bits.
– "I’m an astrologer. In the near future I can see my Penis rising in conjunction with your Vagina." (To which the polite response is "Going off your medication was probably not a good idea.")
– "I’ll show you my wee-wee if you show me yours."
– "I love ze little animals and zey love me. Pliz, may I stroke your poosy?
– "I’m an amateur gynecologist. Please just put your feet here."
– "Knock, knock."
(The appropriate response is "Who’s there?" although "What the fu…" can also be expected.)
"It’s cold out here. Open your legs and let me in."
But seriously, ladies and gentlemen, this is not a dress rehearsal for your perfect life. Eat and drink deeply of the feast now, for these goods will spoil. Love is the most necessary, sustaining and delicious of the dishes on offer, but it is also the most renewable of resources, thank God. So ‘gather ye rose buds while ye may,’ and let’s get it on.