If I'm not getting hit on, no one is getting hit on...

Sometimes that third wheel would rather see you fail than them succeed…

Cock-blocker /kok-blok-er/ n. 1. Someone who takes part in the act of cock-blocking. 2. To interfere with or obstruct another’s attempt at courtship. 3. To delay impending romantic activity between two individuals. [also see: weasel, jealous ex-boyfriend, clueless housemate]

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Attraction, love and romance have been around since the beginning of human existence. It didn’t take long after the invention of these desires for someone else to invent jealousy, lust, cheating and love triangles. These things just tend to be part of human nature, and have been well documented throughout the ages.

While chivalry, scandal and everything in between have been the focus of people’s interests, little has ever been written about a key player in many of these events; the "cock-blocker." Everyone has experienced a cock-blocker in action at one point or another, and there are several distinct styles of cock-blocking which may be used, depending on the situation.

A cock-blocking can be as simple as another guy stepping up to talk to that girl you’re hitting on at the bar, or as complex as timing an arrival to be synchronous with several other key factors, resulting in the destruction of a fellow suitors plans to scam on your "item."

While cock-blocking is usually a conscious activity, there have been many occasions when pre-coital activities have been interrupted by a "walk in," an unsuspecting visitor with a knack for bad timing and long conversation. Some people just like to chat, but the real cock-blockers of this breed just can’t take the hint.

Nonetheless, 80% of the cock-blocking that goes on, is done on purpose, for a number of reasons. It can be that the blocker doesn’t want his sleazy friend pawing his sister, or the blocker may have intentions of his own. Most of the time, it is the latter. And indeed, a successful cock-blocking combined with a little suavĂ© follow-up can put you in a very envious position.

Scene 1 – "The Bar"

Joey is out with his skater friends for a night of drinking and debauchery. He has been drinking for several hours, when he spies a cute little vixen in a "Poot" baby-doll tee sauntering up to the bar to order another Mountain Dew. With drunken confidence, Joey approaches her.

"Can I buy you a Mountain Dew?"

"No, but you can buy me a wine cooler," she coyly replies, looking him over.

They proceed to make idle conversation like drunks do at bars, when they’re really just scoping the person out to see if they’re good enough to go home with. Poot girl is into Joey, and excuses herself to go powder her nose for a moment. Joey promises to save her barstool and orders them another round of Zimas.

Enter Tyler and his surfer friends to "the bar." Like Joey, Tyler is out for a night of celebration after a good day of surfing and smoking joints. Tyler walks up to the empty bar stool next to Joey, and proceeds to sit down and order a drink. When Joey rudely informs him that the seat is taken, Tyler hisses at him and slides off the stool, lurking in the background.

"Stupid surfer," Joey thinks to himself. Poot girl returns, eyeing Tyler as she sits down. She is definitely into Joey, and they talk and flirt for a while longer. Now it’s Joey’s turn to go to the little boy’s room and get a condom out of the machine.

Like a hawk, Tyler swoops down on the empty barstool and orders another drink. Poot girl turns and embarrasedly tells him that the seat is taken. He smiles at her, and does not get up. Meanwhile, poor Joey got his quarters stuck in the condom machine and is currently wrestling a foil packet out of the unwilling iron beast. Tyler continues to smoothtalk Poot girl, and by the time Joey returns clutching a crumpled wrapper and a bloody hand, they are necking.

In this situation, not only did Tyler cock-block Joey, but he also got the girl. This is probably due to his nature as a surfer, for he has to aggressively compete for the limited number of waves. Skaters can wait and take turns.

Scene 2 – "The Dorm"

The students are getting to know each other, and especially with co-ed dorms, couples have begun to shack up. Clark has been eyeing his hallmate Staci for several weeks now. They have become acquaintances and occasionally drop by each other’s rooms and sit on the floor, exchanging bedroom eyes.

Tonight, Staci is coming over to Clark’s room to watch "Mad About You." Clark is in full pimp mode when she arrives and the cuddle up in his bed. They watch tv for a while, but soon Clark feels Staci’s hand on his thigh and knows she’s got other things on her mind.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Come in," Clark yells, wondering who will be the object of his glare.

It is his teammate on the wrestling team, Biff. Biff and Clark are good friends, but sometimes Biff is a little over bearing and doesn’t know when to take a hint sometimes.

"Hey, whatsup? Oh, you’re watching Mad About You, great!"

He sits down on the floor and proceeds to zone out on the tv, jabbering mindlessly about the plot. Staci has taken her hand off of Clark’s thigh and is annoyed. Who is this asshole? she thinks to herself. Clark is desperately trying to hide the boner that Staci just gave him, and is impatiently answering Biff’s questions, still glaring.

Biff doesn’t realize that he interrupted the beginning of a mack session, because he is a small minded man who mainly thinks about wrestling. He is not good at noticing interpersonal relationships or people’s body language. But Biff doesn’t mind eyeing his friend’s girl, either. In fact, he has had fantasies lately about throwing cute co-eds down on the mat and ravaging them.

But mainly he’s just oblivious. He stayed for two hours and Clark couldn’t drop enough hints to him, all of which he ignored. Staci fell asleep eventually and when she awoke and saw that Biff was still there, she went back to her own room.

Foiled Again.

So what can you do?

There are several other tactics used in the cock-blocking scheme of things, but they are usually reserved for the very desperate or extra sleazy. Do not try these at home, kids!

Tactic #1 – Last Man Standing
At a party or get together where there is alcohol being served, it is useful to stay awake as long as possible, for the last man standing often gets the girl. In these sort of situations, however, the girl is usually so blitzed that she has little discrimination between you and your friends, so you all have an equal chance. While your friends nod off like drunks at a party, the key is to out last them all in "drinking stamina" and once they are all passed out, the non-discriminatory girl will have no choice but you. It’s a win-win situation!

Tactic #2 – Drug Party
When things are getting a little boring at the party/bar, but there’s a "hot item" who you’re interested in, don’t be shy to invite the whole gang back to your house for an after party party. Usually the phrase, "Hey guys, lets all go back to my house and ___________ (insert drug of choice here)" is employed, and then y’all go back to your house and snort lines off of Eagles albums or something. Usually the one who supplies the drugs gets all the attention and hopefully one thing will lead to another and. . .

Tactic #3 – Start a Fight
Despite what your parents may have told you, it is never to late for violence. If some guy is hitting on "your girl" and all other cock-blocking tactics seem to have failed, remember this useful proverb, "When in doubt, punch him out." At the very least, you’ll gain macho-points with other women at the party/bar, and at very best, you’ll have beat your competition into bloody submission. Be careful though, because if it looks like you are the "d*ck" or the person with "the problem," the girl might change her mind about you, or even worse, you might get your ass kicked by the guy’s posse.

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