Why do weddings make everyone go all ga-ga? Lone wolf Darren Ho explains why, when the bells ring, he hits the road…
I hate weddings. For several reasons. Firstly, because of the very often absolutely repugnant invites people send.
“One heart, one soul?!” I’ve said this a thousand times: if God wanted the couple to have only one heart and soul, he would have made you Siamese twins.
Second, because I’m single. And that doesn’t make me a loser. Some people (i.e. friends and family) simply don’t get the fact that maybe I don’t want to get attached. It’s like that possibility can’t exist.
“But… why not?!” Erh, there’s a reason why they call it being tied down, you know. And while I do have a soft spot for the bondage scene, I prefer not to be the one in ropes, chained to the bedpost. I like being single. It makes for a lot more fun on Saturday nights, wondering who I’m gonna go home with for that night. And, to quote Russell Peters, I’m afraid I might catch “one-gina”.
Doesn’t sound very healthy. That’s an RTD, by the way. Relationship Transmitted Disease. So why else don’t I like weddings? Cos I’m always stuck watching couples who are about to get married whisper sweet nothings at each other, or married couples reminiscing about their own weddings.
And my wonderful friends, being the lousy hosts they are, always assume that since you’re not seeing anyone serious, you’ll prefer to come alone. Where you can meet other single people and maybe meet that someone special. WHY IS IT THAT COUPLES ALWAYS NEED TO MATCHMAKE?
Don’t get me wrong, I whine and complain all the time about being single. But mostly it’s just because there isn’t that much to talk about, and being the nice guy I am, I don’t mind being the butt of the joke. And trust me, I’ll much rather talk about not having a relationship than hear someone talk about how fast or clever their kid is. Still, it’s impossible to avoid attending such stuff as weddings. So, for all you single people out there, here are some great tips on wedding behaviour.
1. Be the best dressed at the wedding. But remember, don’t show up the bride. For friends who ask you why you’re still single, “I couldn’t find anyone dressed as well as I do.” should be enough to throw them off balance. Plus, if there’s the hot guy or gal there to pick up, it’s a bonus.
2. Unwanted attention from gal? “I don’t date. But I do have flings.” plus raised eyebrow should get her to shove off, or at least keep quiet. Some guy asking you why your boyfriend isn’t with you?
“We broke up cos he said I was too needy!” in near-to-crying tone, and then grab your bag and proceed to ladies for 10 minutes or so. Remember to text one of your friends at the same table to save you some food. For more drama, “We broke up, and he’s marrying that bitch.” works too. (Make sure you are REALLY good friends with bride and groom before trying this.)
3. Make sure you have a couple of games handy on your mobile or PDA before entering. Because once you’ve seen a couple of these things, there’s really nothing new they can come up with. If it’s not some ROM thing with the dinner, it’s a video of the marriage day, or their past together. Have something more interesting, fun! Otherwise I’ll rather play solitaire, and stay solitary.