Top 10 sex positions

A chapter from the Think Sex Guide

1. The Teabagging

The all time classic maneuver of tapping your cock on a chick’s forehead whilst she is sucking on your balls, and uttering the timeless phrase — “Who’s Your daddy?”

2. The Houdini

Going at it doggy-style until you are just about to come, then pull out and spit on her back so she thinks that you have. When she turns around a blast is unleashed into her face and she is left shocked and amazed, wondering how you managed it.

3. The Angry Dragon

Immediately after you blow your load in a girl’s mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up, she’ll look like an angry dragon.

4. Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping b*tch

The once in a lifetime act of blowing a hot steamy load down the back of a girl’s throat and then proceeding to give her a large cold bottle of your favorite carbonated drink, making her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.

5. Dirty Sanchez

A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggy-style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip, leaving a thin sh*t moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.

6. The Donkey Punch

Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your d*ck in her ass and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female’s ass, which will constrict the pen*s and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.

7. The Flaming Amazon

This one’s for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you’re screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then…extinguish the flames with your jizz!

8. The Flying Camel

A personal favourite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her on your knees, you very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your d*ck while it is still inserted in her vertical seafood taco. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl, much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.

9. The Screwnicorn

When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

10. The Zombie Mask

While getting head from your favourite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those “pretty little eyes” when you blow your load. Then, just when you’re ready to spew a good week’s worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead.

We apologize after the fact if this has offended anyone, but you know, if you can’t laugh about sex, what can you laugh about?

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