After staying with a man for four years, I ought to learn a thing or two about the inner secrets of the other kind.

I am still baffled by certain uncharacteristic behaviours and I am always swept off my feet – for all the wrong reasons. Here is my list of the lessons learned:

1. Never speak to an angry man. Keep all feelings inside and strike only when the iron is hot.

2. When he is in a bad mood, he will keep quiet. Try and catch the clue and cease all unnecessary yakking or when he turns into an angry man, refer to item 1.

3. When he is happy, laugh at his jokes. Play along and it can bring you to a different height. I’m still not referring to sex.

4. Sometimes, he just will NOT initiate sex, let it go, women have to perform such tasks once in a while.

5. When he is in a conversation that is of work concern, never, I mean NEVER EVER talk. Shut the f*ck up and don’t go near his groin area.

6. ‘Suck me beautiful’ is a good comment, at least 1/3 of it.

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7. Telling you something two weeks later is better than telling you nothing at all. Work on the turn-around-time to achieve better and faster feedback.

8. If you ever want to make him look stupid, do it at the privacy of your own home, never in the public. Standing outside quietly the bathroom, waiting for him to come out will do the trick.

9. Don’t make fun of him in front of his friends, don’t criticise him in front of his friends, hell, and don’t even talk in front of his friends unless you are asked to.

10. Be best friend with his sister or mother.

11. Get his dad to like you too then he will gang up with you going against him.

12. Don’t ever get your dad too close to him or they will gang up against you.

13. Tell him a gossip once in a while to keep him entertained about your work.

14. Don’t bore him with details about what you did for your project at work or what kind of assignment that you are doing for school.

15. Talk about the past once in a while, talk about the first time you meet, the first kiss, blab blab blab. And I said ONCE in a while, not weekly.

16. Always trust his opinion if you asked for his view, otherwise, don’t bother asking.

17. Men surprisingly have rather good judgment on ladies’ clothes. All the shirt/skirt/dress/pants/shoes/bags that I ever bought were all approved by him. I will approve all electronic gadgets.

18. Don’t wear couple dressing. Do it only on your wedding day to declare your love, otherwise, burn whatever matching clothes.

19. If he gets tired, let him sleep or he will turn into an angry man. Again, refer to item 1.

20. Sometimes, he wants you to nag at him, so that he can push the blame to you instead of that he lacked the self-control over certain bad habits like playing the PS2 late into the night.

21. If he never says he loves you, just close your eyes and listen to your subconsciousness and you will be able to hear it.

22. If he approves you of something, do it or BUY it immediately before he changes his mind.

23. If you are going to laugh at his clumsiness, make sure that he can laugh at yours too.

24. Refrain yourself from hitting him, for fun or for real.

These are all real, I swear that it all happened to me.

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