If you love her, you’re gonna have to suffer for that love… at the mall. Darren Ho goes shopping.

Now we all know that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, which explains why so many middle-aged men have a gut. Well, that and heart disease, and on occasion, damaged taste buds. Let’s face it, I’ve known spouses whose cooking is possibly worse than Vogon poetry.

And when you have to keep yourself in the seat, and not run to the nearest sink, that’s probably gonna give you physical and psychological trauma. But, the way to a woman’s heart is not the same.

Under no circumstances, attempt no such feat. That’s just asking for trouble. In fact, with androgyny everywhere today, the general rule should be: if concerned person should have a gym membership, or has sufficient skincare/bodycare products to fill the sink, or just gave birth, DO NOT attempt to overfeed. Else you’re gonna be caught in THE dead-end: the penultimate “Am I fat?” question. And since most rats act desperately when cornered, and men are remarkably like rats, you should never get into that corner.

So what is the way to a woman’s heart? Obviously the mouth.

And I’m not actually referring to oral sex here, though I suspect they wouldn’t mind the bonus. Why the mouth? Simply because they can’t shut it. Now this is putting it bluntly, of course. But nevertheless true. (Why else do you think Ben Jonson’s “Epicoene, The Silent Woman” was such an oxymoron?) You can say women are vocal, that’s just a euphemism for the same. I’m just trying to make sure everyone understands me. Even the dumb guys.

So here’s a suggestion of things to talk about, because if you’re not careful, you’re gonna get a slap in your face. And that’s gonna hurt.

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1. Clothes.

Women love to shop. And they like men to tag along. And in some cases, men like to shop too (for golf stuff, not clothes), and they too like men to tag along. So you want to make the girl happy? Take her clothes shopping. For her clothes, because she’ll want you to say she looks gorgeous even if it’s a rag she’s wearing. Well, if she’s ONLY wearing a rag, she might well look gorgeous. And it gives you a chance to browse around, and you have a reason to.

“Don’t you think the blouse that girl’s wearing will look fantastic on you?” is the holy saviour if you’re spending too much time looking elsewhere. Plus, if you ask her to shop for your clothes, she’ll be touched and happy that you asked for her opinion. AND it makes her happy. It’s bonus upon bonus upon bonus. And if you’re a bit generous with your credit card, it’s highly likely you’re getting the special birthday sex you like so much that night.

P.S. While women love diamonds, and that seems like the sure-fire way of getting her attention, do remember that gifts are non-refundable. Unless you’re pretty sure she’s gonna say yes sooner or later, or you’ve just got way too much money to spend, clothes are a much better choice.

2. Feelings.

Once, I made up this awful story about having had to see a shrink because I went into a horrible depression after my grandad passed away. (Well, he did, but he wasn’t so close to me that I missed him very much.) For the next month, this gal I was interested in kept up a constant conversation with me. It got me a LOT of dates.

I’m not encouraging you to make up stories about pet dogs or the like, but for some reason, women love depressives. Once they have the chance to mother, they won’t let it go. So if you blow things up a bit, it’s more interesting. But don’t go overboard and become a wimp or insecure idiot. Talking about such feelings only makes it worse, unless you’re both really understanding and not making accusations.

3. Gossip.

Now it is certainly the lowest form of discourse, but they LOVE it. Gossip about romance is right at the top. Scandalous affairs are a bit touchy, so try not to go there. Also be careful about blowing up other guys’ aluievements, or you are headed for “How come you never do that for me?” Good luck trying to dig your way out of that hole.

Now, speech is also very important for something else: DIVERSION. If you ever find yourself at a point of an uncomfortable question (such as “Does this blouse make me look fat?”), DIVERT. ABORT, ABORT, ABORT! Simply because women are vindictive.

They remember. And the next time you are getting into trouble, ALL these things will pop out. Buy something for her, to distract her, or change the topic to something you’re upset about (always keep a few handy), or simply, “You’re beautiful.” Or “I love you.” No need to add any other qualifications like “just the way you are” or “no matter what”, that’s asking for it.

So, here’s good luck to making your girlfriend contented. If you’re a lady and reading this, you know what to do if your man tries any of this. Win-win situation for all, huh?

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