Working in an all female office, it often comes up how poorly us men are at making our women happy.
Hell, many men don’t even know that they’re even supposed do to that. So after one day’s extremely annoying b*tch session, I said, “Why don’t you do something about it?” followed by “Get back to work! ”
This is what they came up with, a guide that can help you rate how well you are “scoring” on the relationship meter.
1. SIMPLE DUTIES:
o You go out to buy her flowers: +5
o But return with beer: -5
o You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
o You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
o You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
o You pummel it with a Frankova bottle: +10
o It’s her cat: -102.
o You stay by her side the entire party: 0
o You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
o Named Katka: -4
o Katka is a dancer at Goldfingers: -6
o Katka has implants: -83.
o You visit her parents village: +1
o You visit her parents and actually converse in broken Czech: +3
o You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
o And the television is off: -6
o You spend the afternoon watching soccer in your underwear: -6
o And you didn’t even like soccer: -10
o And it’s not really your underwear: -15
4. HER BIRTHDAY:
o You take her out to dinner: 0
o You take her out to dinner and it’s not Jagr’s Sports bar: +1
o Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
o And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3
o It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
o You give her a gift: 0
o You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10
o You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1
o You give her a gift & it isn’t chocolate: +2
o You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30
o You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
o With her money: -30
o And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -405.
o You forget to pick her up at the train station: -25
o Which is in Smichov: -35
o And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -506.
A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR BUDDIES:
o You have a few beers: -9
o Or every beer after three, -2 again
o And miss curfew by an hour: -12
o You get home at 5am: -20
o You get home at 5am smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
o And not wearing any pants: -40
o Is that a tattoo? -2007.
A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU:
o You go see a British comedy show: +2
o And it’s crude and sexist: -2
o You laugh: -5
o You laugh too much: -10
o She’s not laughing: -15
o You laugh harder: -258.
o You lose the directions on a trip: -4
o You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
o You end up getting lost in Ostrava: -15
o You get lost in a bad part of Ostrava and meet the local Albanian gang: -25
o She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -609.
o When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20
o When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
o You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10
o She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10
BONUS: You always forward her funny e-mails with love notes attached: + 100
100 to 393: You are a stud, you probably don’t exist
50 to 100: You deserve her, but definitely need some work.
-752 to Zero: You suck pickled eggs.