From exploded cows to masturbating with worms: tales from the outer limits of sexual perversion.
• Dr. Robert Chartham, the respected sex therapist, recalls a guy who could only have sex with his feet in freezing water. He’d sit on the edge of the bath, and his wife would sit astride him. So strong was the erotic pull of the cold tap, however, that she found he lost interest as soon as it was turned off. To prevent costly overflow problems, Chartham suggested a large bag of ice cubes in the bed, which apparently worked like a charm.
• School children balked some years ago when they witnessed a man jumping into the bear pit at the London Zoo. Without batting an eyelid, he removed his trousers and suggested to the two bears that they dance with him. He was led away by police, leaving Bob Tuffy, the bear’s keeper, to remark, “Rusty and Jumble just walked away. They were disgusted.”
• Rubber, ever popular with fetishists, may have had its finest hour with New York rubberist ‘David’, who explained his perversion to one magazine as thus, “I’d like to be encased in rubber from head to toe with no eye slits or mouth slits, just a nose hole to let me breathe. Then I would lie down in a rubber lined coffin, have the lid closed and pad-locked over me and left for two or three days.” Unfortunately, it’s not recorded if David ever achieved his dream.
• There used to be a vogue for ‘happenings’ and Otto Muehl’s Dutch organization, the Sexual Egalitarian and Liberation Fraternity was more happening than most. While in Frankfurt – a city not known for its sexual restraint – he cut off the head of a goose, placed a condom on it and introduced it publicly to his naked girlfriend. His ideas were thwarted at the Wet Dream festival in Amsterdam, however, when his plans to explode a cow and organize an orgy in its entrails were stopped by city officials.
• The Baltaks of Sumatra are the world’s most considerate male lovers. They cut their penises open and stuff them with lumps of stone. When the violent wounds have healed up, it produces a pleasant friction for their lovers.
• According to one Russian ex-prisoner, gardening is the most popular duty in prisons. This isn’t because the cheery cons like the opportunity to smile at nature. It’s because they’ve discovered that a collection of worms in a jelly jar is a superb masturbatory device.
• The Romans were known for their crazy sex lives and general orgying. Emperor Nero, however, makes most of his contemporaries look like Mrs. Gottwaldova. Late in life, he invented a ‘game’ where, covered in animal skin, he was let from a cage into a room of tied-up slaves. The crazy funster would then savage their genitals, before they were killed by Nero’s homosexual lover.
• But when it comes to weirdness, none can outdo the British. Waylard Young’s book, Eros Denied, records the case of a prostitute who had to stand naked while a client got pleasure from throwing sardines at her. Another threw cream buns at her before covering her in marmalade and eating iced cherries out of her vagina.