Clinical psychologists call them paraphilias (uncommon sexual behaviors), but most people call them unnatural acts, perversions, and, in some cases, felonies.
But we’re not here to judge, we’re here to help. So we’ve compiled a user’s guide to fetishes, complete with everything an aspiring pervert might need. In compiling this primer, we kept out intentions to ourselves. We suggest you do the same.
DEFINITION: lust for the limbless.
DIAGNOSIS: “The acrotomophiliac often suffers castration anxiety. When in the presence of a female amputee, the fetishist’s unconscious fantasy of women as castrated males transforms into something erotic. They may also be concealing sadistic impulses towards women.”
COST: $45 buys you a one-year membership to the Amputee Coalition magazine.
POTENTIAL PROBLEMS: The hook job.
DEFINITION: Trees turn you on. Some men use the holes in trees as substitutes for vaginas.
DIAGNOSIS: “It is possible that they fear their own homosexual impulses. They deal with such fear by finding a ‘vagina’ in a phallic object like a tree.”
COST: Free, unless you live in the desert or the Arctic.
POTENTIAL PROBLEMS: Bark burn, splinters, poison oak, woodpeckers.
DEFINITION: Passion for purging and being purged on. Also known as “the Roman Shower”.
DIAGNOSIS: “People who enjoy vomiting or being vomited on could be replaying the experience of throwing up as an infant, which often led to a response of love and attention.”
COST: $8-$35 for an all-you-can-eat buffet.
POTENTIAL PROBLEMS: Bad breath, clean-up, and the fact that frequent vomiting erodes tooth enamel.
DEFINITION: The desire to have small insects crawl on your genitals, otherwise known as “ants in your pants”
DIAGNOSIS: “Formicophiliacs may consider humans extremely threatening sex partners, so they seek a safer, more controllable sexual outlet. An ant will never reject you. Plus, you can squash them if they give you a hard time.”
COST: $12 to build an ant farm.
POTENTIAL PROBLEMS: You and your lovers won’t get into any decent restaurants.
DEFINITION: Arousal from the idea of being buried alive.
DIAGNOSIS: “These people may have been deprived of touch during their childhood, or were touched improperly. Being incased in the ground allows them to feel protected in an earthen womb.
COST: $300 for a plastic sandbox and 75 kilos of sand at Home Depot.
POTENTIAL PROBLEMS: Suffocation. Sand in your ears.
DEFINITION: Sexual desire for animals.
DIAGNOSIS “Having sex with another human involves a blurring of boundaries between two people. You have to be fairly well constituted psychologically to give up your distinctiveness. For some people, it’s easier to engage in activities that require less integration.”
COST: The current market value of an average sheep is $150
POTENTIAL PROBLEMS: Jail time, animal rights activists, shepherd jokes.