In the long long history of male bonding and trying to pick up women (or men, for that matter. Since the whole GLBT thing gets a bit confusing with regards to gender, I’ll leave it at that) there have been plenty of bad advices given.

Tips to pick up any man, woman or whatever you desire.

Sometimes it’s when to make a move, sometimes it’s what to do or wear, and sometimes it’s a really bad pickup line. I should know, I’ve had my share of getting slapped, simply because I said something I shouldn’t have. People don’t always see things the way you do. Like when my professor didn’t feel I deserved an A. It’s really all about perspective.

Anyhow, I made a compilation of ALL the bad pick up lines I’ve used and heard of. If you’re a pick-upper (as in you pick up people) and reading this, there’s two things you should learn from this: DON’T EVER USE THESE LINES!

And if you get a reply like the ones we print, you can bet your ass and mine (though I’ll actually prefer if you left mine out of it) they are more likely to date a gibbon monkey than you. And if you’re a pick-uppee (as in you get picked up), you probably will find the comebacks useful somewhen or somewhere.

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1. “Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.”

There are a number of ways you can respond to this. Vacant-eyed, dumb blonde look with a response of “Huh?” is effective. And if he/she asks again, pause for a few seconds, look like you’re thinking, and repeat. It’s bound to drive the person insane. You can also respond in some obscure language, or just make up one there and then. They’ll take the hint.

You can also use a more direct way of telling the person no. “It’s 1-800-F*CKOFF” generally works. 1-800-DUMBASS, 1-800-ASSH*LE, 1-800-GETLOST, all work too. If you have more acronyms, feel free to share.

2. “You remind me of a woman/man I used to date.”

“Really? You remind me of a woman/man I used to date too!” After that, wait a while and see if the person has an intelligent response. If he/she does, you might want to consider giving the person a second chance. If not, carry on with what you were doing. And if you’re not afraid of making a scene, make this a LOUD response. That should do it.

P.S. “How are we similar?” is not an intelligent response. It’s a call for you to begin insulting said person.

3. “Your Mom’s cute.” Or “Your sis is hot.”

Of course this is gender exchangeable. Several options are available here. One, give the family member a call. “Hey (insert family member’s name here), this person who’s trying to pick me up thinks you’re cute. Would you like me to introduce you?” You can also throw your drink in said person’s face, that’s a classic, or better, take said person’s drink and throw it in the pick-upper’s face.

No point wasting yours. Punching, or kicking the genitals generally works for guys. For the men, if you’re stupid enough to say these words, you deserve to get kicked. NEVER ever mention another woman on the first date, not even if it’s your sis. And if you do, it better be brief and it better be about how ugly she is compared to your date.

4. “Are those real?”

Make sure eye contact is made first before beginning. Maintain eye contact, and subject will understand state of anger you are currently in. Of course if he’s clever (and I think only a REALLY rude man might actually use this line), he’ll immediately move away. If he’s not, go ahead with “Chum, I’ve got a black belt in karate, so you better be referring to the bracelet I’m wearing on my hand and not anything else, in which case I will know you can’t tell Tiffany from Giordano.

Because if you are referring to my breasts, I will kick your balls so hard they’ll end up in your ass.” If you don’t feel like wasting your breath on such things, go back to splashing your glass. That’s always a clear “Get LOST” signal. Slapping also works.

5. “I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.”

Some people like to use this line in the park too. Here’s where you can potentially have a lot of fun. And send the person scurrying home. Start with “I’d love to, but I have to pick up by immunodeficiency prescription from the pharmacist.” And modify it to your liking. A variety of sicknesses can be applied here: cold sores, crabs, diarrhoea, or if you prefer not to be sick, you can try sex-change hormone pills too.

6. “If this food doesn’t kill us, the bill will.”

This is an easy shot. You need to practice this a little, because you need rather precise pronounciation and exaggerated politeness to emphasise the sarcasm hidden in your words. “Oh, don’t worry, I got a discount coupon from, it gives you a 50% discount on the bill.” You can pay your share and go. Or even better, you can give said person your share, and stay. And enjoy the painful silence that follows. I know I would.

7. “Don’t you think I deserve a break today?”

“Sure you do. Bye!” If you’re planning to leave already, take your bag and go. If you’re at a bar and you haven’t paid for your drink, feel free to add in “Thanks for the drink!”

8. “So… How am I doin’?”

A variety of responses can be applied here, from “I wasn’t aware I was supposed to keep score. But if this was a test, your teacher would have had a heart attack.” to “Were you born in the jungle? Cos I don’t think you were taught any social skills.” and “The high point of the night was the soup.” is bound to hurt.

If you really wanna make it stick, feel free to use “I don’t know. I was looking at the waiter/waitress.” or “I wasn’t really paying attention”, but these are LOW. Even better, drift around a while, then turn back and say “I’m sorry. What did you say?” That should do the trick.

Unfortunately, that’s really all the room we have for. Feel free to explore and practice, and even better, come up with your own styles. Adding your own personal touch always makes things better. And more memorable.

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