pick up linesYou’ve had a lousy day and decide to go to a bar. It’s time to ditch the usual freaks you hang out with and meet new, exciting freaks.

Perched on your Carnegies’s barstool or a fuzzy velvet Zouk couch, you order a drink when suddenly this creature takes the seat next to you. Smiling seductively, he runs his long fingers through his greased back hair. You soon find your drink paid for; great, but it comes with a hitch. Adjusting the drape of something slick and polyester, he says:

“Those clothes look awfully good on you, but honey, they’d look better on my bedroom floor.”

Or: “Sweetheart, are you tired? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all night!” or even: “Was your daddy a thief? No? Then who stole the stars from the sky and put them in your beautiful eyes?”

OUCH! How do men ever get laid? I spit on these pathetic scum! Their genes are not fit to propagate the Earth. But you, dear reader, are not beyond hope. Here are some Pick-up Lines that always work, as told to me by many of the fine men, women and pimp mac daddy players in this magical city:

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• No name given: Girl, are you horny or what? I can smell your uterus from here.

• From George N: Hey baby, if they could change the alphabet I’d put U and I together.

• Would you like to shave your name in my back hair?

• From Peter: Kiss me if I’m wrong but is your name Sarah?

• I have a 7-inch long finger with your name on it.

• From Wolfgang: After I’ve made love to a woman… even the neighbors need a cigarette.

• My, those glasses are becoming on you! But I’d be cumming too if I were sitting on your face!

• From Terry M: I use pick-up lines, sure, but I always have a hard time remembering the punch lines. Sometimes this works out better for me. Here’s what can happen when you’re forced to ad lib: “Is your father a thief? Because… that’s a really nice car you’re driving.” (Real line: Because he must have stolen the stars and put them in your eyes).

“Do you have handphone? Because… my mom told me to call her when I got to the bar”. (Real line: Because I have to call heaven and tell them I’ve found their missing angel)

“Do your feet hurt? Because… those shoes look really uncomfortable”. (Real line: Because you’ve been running through my mind all day)

• From Jeff Ellis: Is it hot in here or am I standing too close to you?

• From Alena: He said “Want to come up to my apartment and look at my ant farm?” (I couldn’t resist, and he DID HAVE an ant farm!)

Also: Did it hurt? (I replied, “Did what hurt?”) When you fell from heaven, did it hurt?

• From Mike: “Do you want to dance?” If she says “no” then respond by saying “What are you talking about? I said ‘You have nice pants!'”

• Do you clean your clothes with Windex? I thought I just saw myself in your pants!

• From Daisy: Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?”

• Have I introduced you to my friend, Mr. Harry Penis?

• From Rahjiv:

Pickuper: It must be your lucky day!

Pickupee: Why do you say that?

Pickuper: You met me. (Warning: We married that very weekend!)

• I am rich, good looking, and have a libido the size of China; I’ll probably dump you after a night or two but you won’t care.

• From Boyd: “Are you a true blonde? If so, I’ll talk slower”

Also: Having sex with me is a tax-deductible charity.

• From Martin V: Go up to a girl and tell her: I bet you $2 that I can kiss you without touching your lips. Then kiss her and say “I guess I lost” (and give her the $2).

• Want to sleep with me tonight, or do I have to pretend I like you first?

• From Sarah: This one guy came up to me and said: “I could take you out and buy you a steak”. That was later followed by, “You won’t go out with me because you have issues.” I told him, “No, darling, I won’t go out with you because I have standards.”

• From Jeff: You are like a delicate flower, to be plucked by the deserving… Also: Would you like to see how my tongue can touch my nose? (followed by a demonstration). Also: How about one for when you get rejected? “Ah come on! Don’t be picky. I wasn’t!”

My favorite is “If I told you that you had a great body would you hold it against me?” But if you ask me… the best one in the world.. meaning the one that actually works without you ending up with finger marks across your face is “Hi. What’s your name?” I swear… do men naturally make things much harder than they have to be or do they have to work on it?

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