Sure, you probably think you know all the ways men and women are different, but now we’ve worked it all out…
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, many facts have emerged.
RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a. m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us”.
This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. Men always seem to be sure they have met the “one”. Women on the other hand always think that there’s going to be a better “one” coming along.
Men spend all their best efforts to catch the girl and then they lose interest when the hunt is over. Women don’t have any interest in the man who is chasing her, but then they spend all their best efforts keeping the relationship together when it starts!
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of sexy women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of sexy women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most of men’s bodies elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “q’s. ” It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the hotel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies.
GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup…
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
CHILDREN: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he own , including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”
EATING OUT: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $40. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, or Joe Garagiola’s head.
THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home she will call the same friend and they will talk for 3 hours.
ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.
PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.
GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
WORK SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.
POLITICS: Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.
HAIRCUTS: For men haircuts are a short and simple process: make an appointment, go in, come out with your hair slightly shorter. For women the process is much more complicated. First, numerous hair styles, colorings and lengths must be considered.
The only hairstylist in the world they trust must be reserved. The whole process is filled with excitement and worry. And finally she hides from the world for several days because she is not sure if she likes her new haircut.
Illustration by Jason “Guile” Rodriquez