To ask what is sexy is like asking what’s good to eat. It begs too broad a question and too subjective (key word) an answer.

what is sexy?

Question: What is sexy?

Answer: A man in a uniform.

Does it matter what kind of uniform? Military? Aviary? Custodial? Personally, I think tuxedos can make the nerdiest (is that a word?) guy look kind of sexy. Having attended several weddings, I am always amazed that the rather ugly guy I saw sleazing his way through the female guests at the rehearsal dinner is now standing as a drop-dead gorgeous tuxedoed groomsman.

The change is so dramatic I’m thinking about being fitted for one myself. Is a woman sexy in a uniform? Rumour has it that she is… if she’s dressed as a nurse or French maid. Stripping is sexy. Especially burlesque. But now, it’s The Lipstick Lounge and Chippendale’s. I was once at a Chippendale’s show. This guy came out in an astronaut’s uniform. Women were screaming. All I kept thinking was what if Neil Armstrong stepped out?

Behaviour patterns of the sexually stimulated:

Men: sitting, calm, Jim Beam neat in hand, cigarette, staring

Women: standing, crazed, wine on table, cigarettes, barking

What about sexy lines? What could someone say to you that would just turn you on? Subjective Sexy Dialogs;

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Dialog A:

-Oh so hot. You’re on fire.

-Stoke me, baby.

Dialog B:

-That’s a sexy bra you’re wearing.

-Thank you. (Bra drops to floor)

-What happened to the titties?

Dialog C:

-What’s for dinner?

-You are, meat boy.

Dialog D:

-They’re playing our song.

-Is that our song?

-It is.

-Oh.

Discuss: Is a woman sexier in clothing or in the nude? Is a man sexier in clothing or in the nude? If you’re unsure, try to be around when a manikin is in the process of having it’s clothing changed.

Rod Stewart has said that his wife’s body was made for sex. Does that mean I’m missing something? Is that the same thing as having vocal chords but being unable to sing? Can Rod Stewart’s wife sing? Last week I went to a concert.

I wore a dress that some might say was provocative. I don’t know; breasts, cleavage. I looked very sexy. I think that on that night, I too had a body made for sex. That night I actually carried a tune. Until my friends asked me to stop. Did anyone think I was sexy? I saw many sexy people at the concert. Saw many people who thought they were sexy. Some were right. Others well… it was a good concert.

I saw this Malay couple walking across the bridge near Boat Quay. They were in love. It was nice to see. Again. He was wearing a cut-off, now mid-drift football jersey (#69), polyester shorts, mid-thigh. White knee socks that slid down into white patent leather loafers.

His hair cut close to his face if only to offset the Samson-like tresses that hung down his back. And you know what? His woman thought he was sexy. I didn’t. Who’s right? Maybe both.

Sexy and its relation to pretty. I was waiting in a grocery line. I saw a magazine – Elle? Vogue? And on the cover, in the corner, it said “this Spring, pretty is in!”

What? Hey ugly girls, it’s not your season! You’re out! Can’t ugly be sexy? Remember the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz? Ugly as hell (personal note: referred to Dorothy as “my pretty” – lesbian overtone? Research.)

So she’s ugly as hell but some could argue that the bitch from the west was sexy. Tall, slender, long nails, dressed in black – the deliciously wicked voice. The way she ordered those monkey guys around.

So if pretty = sexy then ugly= dissolution. (And something to remember when considering pretty + sexy + sex: just because he has an Adonis-like physique and she is Venus personified, it would be foolish to assume that great sex with either is a given.

Think of that gorgeous piece of fruit you once bought only to take a bite and find that there was no flavour. I’d be happy to eat a blemished plum. They’re usually sweeter.)

Hair. Sexy hair? Is it short, long, straight, curly, black, blond. Can you be sexy on a bad hair day? Baldness? Despite the onslaught of worldwide hair clubs for men, it seems that lately being bald is… in. More and more, “people in the know” “go bald” either naturally or with electronic aid.

I think Patrick Stewart (aka Jean Luc Picard) is sexy as hell. (Personal log: Picard held captive and captured by Cardassians. Tight shot of Jean Luc’s ass.)

What about the balding guy who swoops 6″ of hair form one side of his head to cover the (offending) patch? Is that sexy to some? Yes. Certainly he perceives it as sexier or he’d let the baldness shine in all its sexual glory.

Sexy and its relation to music: Ravel’s Bolero was sexy only because it was associated with bodacious Bo Derek in the movie 10. Bo needed Bolero. So millions of people went out – sexually driven – to buy a recording. It was going to make them sexy – their sex would be sexier. Bo had said so.

But what if braided Bo could only do it (or I guess I should say liked to do it) to maybe… Stairway to Heaven? or Take This Job and Shove It? or Pop Goes the Weasel? What then?

Take This Job and Shove It reminds me of other wonderfully colourful C&W lyrics that tell it like it is. Sexy C&W lyrics – how ’bout “you’re the hangnail in my life and I can’t bite you off?” True song. Then why not “you’re the dandruff in my hair and I can’t flake you out? What the hell, I’ll take it another direction: you’re love is like PMS and I… am bloated.

And so I conclude my stream of consciousness ditty discussing “what is sexy?” with no conclusion. You know what you like, I know what I like and they know what they like. If you find it sexy (whatever ‘it’ is) then that’s all that matters. Here’s hoping that the “it” finds you sexy too.

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